By His Wounds

Today I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


I grew up in a Christian house. I went to church since I was a baby and was dedicated by my parents in a Methodist church. I accepted Christ as my savior when I was eight years old and was baptized by immersion in an Assembly of God church. I was a part of the youth group, youth choir, and Fellowship of Christian Athletes in high school.

I fell away from the Christian ways in college. I have always had a somewhat rebellious streak in me. I'm sure my mother would attest to that. I went away from home to North Carolina for college. I never found a church home there, and didn't really look all that hard. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend. I got married because I was jealous of my sister's wedding. That didn't last, and I was divorced by the age of 21. I drank, although I wasn't a huge drinker. Most of the time I was designated driver. But I did have several times where I got drunk. All in all, it was a very dark time in my life.

I moved back to Atlanta a year after college when I met a guy from the area and happened to get a job here around the same time. I moved in with him, but we never got married. He had a serious case of depression, and while we loved each other, the depression took its toll on the relationship.

We were living practically across the street from Dunwoody Baptist Church, and one Sunday, something told me to go. I felt very welcomed there, and started going regularly. I started going to one of their "Lifegroups" a Bible study group that met at someone's house on Thursday nights. The people in the Lifegroup prayed for me weekly.

While going to DBC and participating in the Lifegroup, I realized that my life had gone downhill and that I wasn't acting like a child of God. I broke off the relationship and moved out. I rededicated my life to Christ. In doing so, I felt freed from a bondage that I had been carrying since college. My life wasn't perfect after that, but I truly felt forgiven.

Through Jesus Christ's willingness to give his whole life for me by dying on the cross, I am saved. I am forgiven of the things I have done and the things I have yet to do. I am free to have a personal relationship with God.

My life still isn't perfect, and I sin everyday. But as I strive to be more Christ-like, He will help me.

To see what others are thankful for today, visit Mallard Cove Mommy's blog.

25 Days of Giving Thanks

Last year I posted a new status update on Facebook each day of November leading up to Thanksgiving. The status updates each said one thing that I was thankful for. This year, one of my friends has issued a blog challenge: For each day leading up to Thanksgiving, post a blog about something you are thankful for. I will take that challenge. I'm not very good at blogging on the weekends, so that may be difficult, but I will at least post a status update, complete with picture, each day of November.

Today, I am thankful for a loving husband.


It has been almost three years since Robby and I got married and almost five years since we first met. Although we have disagreements and spats every now and then, as most healthy couples do, I could not think of a man better suited for me than he is. He puts up with all my many flaws. We are so alike, and yet so different at the same time. He knows just how to cheer me up when I'm down. He's so helpful and is always asking if there's anything he can do to help me with Alan or to get ready for the next day. He keeps me warm in this cold world.

Before Robby, I had always said that I didn't want children. I'm sure part of the reason for that was because I hadn't found anyone that I wanted to have children with. Even with my first marriage, I had no desire to have kids. Somehow Robby was different. He changed my way of thinking without even trying, and now we have our precious little boy.

Robby is smart. He makes me laugh. He gives me something to look forward to when I come home from work at night. His heart is in the right place. He gets passionate about issues that are important to him. He's a great daddy. He's a loving husband.

Yellow Jackets, and Fairies, and Skeletons - Oh, My!

This past weekend was an exciting weekend. Rob and I left Alan overnight for the first time Saturday night. Mom came and spent the night on Friday night. Rob and I got up, bright and early, on Saturday to catch an 8:30am flight to Raleigh, NC. We spent the day in Raleigh and went to Pam Madigan's wedding that afternoon/evening. Then we flew back on Sunday morning. We got back to the house around 2pm on Sunday.

I definitely missed Alan, and was very nervous about leaving him with Mom. It's not that I don't think she can handle it - I mean, she's raised four kids. But things are way different these days than they were back then. We all were supposed to sleep on our tummy, whereas now they say babies should sleep on their backs. She's a lot older now and has bad knees, which makes going up and down our stairs (carrying a baby) much more challenging. Alan had just had his first shots, so he was a little fussy.

I think I did pretty well. I only called twice while we were gone, once each day. And everything was fine. Both Mom and Alan survived.

Sunday was a Halloween fun-packed day. Last weekend we had taken Alan to the pumpkin patch and had picked out three pumpkins - one for each Simon.


Alan with our pumpkin family before they were carved

After Mom left on Sunday and Alan was fed, I took our three pumpkins out to the deck to carve. Alan sat in his car seat and watched as I dug all the pumpkin seeds and guts out of the Daddy and Mommy pumpkins. He lasted through the Daddy pumpkin carving and through half of the Mommy pumpkin carving before the sun got in his eyes and he started fussing. Rob took him while I finished carving Mommy pumpkin and drew the face on Baby pumpkin.


The carved pumpkins


Pumpkin family all lit up and ready for the trick-or-treaters

After the pumpkin carving, I got Alan dressed in his yellow jacket Halloween costume and strapped him in the front carrier. We walked over to my neighbor's house where her family, some more neighbors, and some of her friends assembled for a pre-trick-or-treat snack (pizza and cocoa pebbles treats). We had Peter Pan (Katie), Tinkerbell (Evie), Captain Hook (Katie's mother-in-law), a cowboy (Katie's father-in-law), an astronaut (Owen - Katie's friend's son), a hippy (Owen's father), a skeleton (Antony, one of the neighbor boys), and our very own yellow jacket (Alan).


Part of our crew

After everyone was dressed in their costumes, they ventured into the streets for trick-or-treating. I headed home to hand out candy to the kids that came by our house. We had about 30 kids or so - not nearly as many as I had thought. Rob says we live in the reject part of the neighborhood. So now we have half a bowl full of candy left over - NOT GOOD! So much for my diet.

I know the origin of Halloween isn't good, but with the commercialization of it, I would have to say it is one of my favorite holidays. Who doesn't like dressing up, seeing all the cute neighborhood kids in their costumes, and eating candy?


Alan in his yellow jacket costume

Alan's 2 Month Apppointment

Alan is two and a half months now, but he just had his two month appointment yesterday.

His stats are: 10lbs 15oz, 25" long, and 15.75" head circumference. He is in the 25th percentile for weight and the 95th percentile for length. What a tall, skinny boy! If it's right that you take the 2 month stats and multiply it by 3 to get how tall the child will end up, Alan will be 6'3" tall when he's done growing.

We are following a modified vaccination schedule. He will not get any more than two shots in one appointment, but will have to go more frequently. He got two vaccines at this appointment - Hib and Prevnar. They are both for bacterial meningitis, and the Prevnar is for ear infections and pneumonia also. As a result, he was fussy and clingy most of the day yesterday and had a fever of 100.4 at one point. We gave him some generic infant Tylenol yesterday evening, which seemed to help. His temperature was back down to normal this morning when I took it.

He's growing like a champ, and I will be glad when some of the big milestones are hit. Everyone says that time goes by so fast and they grow up too fast, but I wouldn't mind skipping this stage to get to the "good stuff." I can't wait until he can 1) hold his head up consistently (he's doing some now, but still bobbling), 2) sit up and be more interactive with the world, and 3) eat solid food and no longer has to have breast milk.

Three years old is my favorite time. Anastasia was the most adorable child at three. Garrett is three now and is so much fun. Three-year-olds can play, carry on conversations, use the bathroom, sleep through the night, and really have a personality. I don't want to wish Alan's life away, but I can't wait until he turns three.

Here's some of Alan's two month pictures:


Here are some links to videos of Alan interacting at two months:
Alan Standing
Alan Talking
Alan with cousin Lily

Out of a Funk and Into a Routine

I have finally admitted to myself that I do have a little bit of postpartum depression. It stems mostly from the fact that my life as I knew it is over. I will never again have freedom and youth at the same time, and I will never have the body that I worked so hard and ran five marathons to finally have. Sure, eventually Alan won't depend on me for everything, but by then I will be too old to enjoy life the way I had before. Sure, I might be able to get back into shape, but I look in the mirror and it seems that every day I see a new wrinkle or darker circles under my eyes. Age is really taking it's toll on me now. And who knows if I'll ever get my waist back! I feel like I am a stick figure...but drawn with a really fat marker. I have no curves (except for the one sticking out in front where my six-pack used to be)...or maybe my whole body is one giant curve.

I have no time for myself anymore. I wake up, take three hours to get ready for work, go to work, manage to fit in a short run before picking Alan up from daycare, and take three hours to get ready for bed. How people have families and still manage to watch hours of TV is beyond me! I still haven't watched last week's Biggest Loser (really my only TV show), and we have two Parenthood shows on the DVR that we haven't watched yet. And I am only getting about 4 - 5 hours of sleep at night now - and that is broken sleep (two hours here and three hours there).

Running just doesn't seem as fun anymore. It's more like a chore, because it is way harder than it used to be. I never thought that getting back into running after a six week layoff would be so hard. When I run, I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing, like I don't have a good gait or cadence, like I'm about to fall over. I have felt like I couldn't finish a run multiple times. I've stopped to walk more than I ever did before. What is wrong with me?!?

And then there's the constant desire for sugar. If I'm not eating, I want to be. My mouth waters, and all I can think of is ice cream. If ice cream isn't around, I'll eat a giant chocolate chip cookie, or a package of Skittles, or a candy bar. I tried bringing healthy snacks to work, but then I would eat the healthy snack AND the junk. I have no self control. What is wrong with me?!?

So now that I've finally admitted it, I have to do something about it. For me, the best way to accomplish something is to 1) set a goal and 2) get into a routine. My goals are as follows:
*Run the Myrtle Beach marathon in close to 4 hours. I'm hoping that with that will come the losing weight and getting my body back into somewhat decent shape again.
*Fix my diet by exchanging the junk for vegetables. I will add back the salads and baked potatoes I used to eat while pregnant. I will only eat one small sweet thing per day. If I maintain that for the week, I can eat ice cream on Friday. Every time I have a craving I will either chew gum or eat a fruit or vegetable.

My routine has become:
4:00am Wake up to pump
4:30 Shower, eat breakfast, and get ready for work
5:45 Feed Alan and get him ready for school
6:20 Leave for work
6:40 Drop Alan off at daycare
7:00 - 3:00 Work, eating lunch at my desk and pumping four times
3:00 Run or workout
5:00 Pick Alan up from daycare and go home
6:00 - 8:00 Pump, make dinner, feed Alan and get him ready for bed, wash and make bottles, get workout clothes ready for the next day (All of this is easy if Rob is home to help; Much more difficult if I have to watch Alan while doing the above things by myself)
8:00 Get ready for bed
9:00 Attempt to get an hour of sleep
10:00 Feed Alan and pump
1:00am Pump
4:00am Start all over again

What a boring life I lead! No wonder people live for the weekends.

Back to Work

Alan is 8 weeks and 1 day old today, which means Mommy has to go back to work.

I have mixed feelings about going back.

We've had some problems this past week with him eating. He doesn't want to eat the whole bottle and will wiggle, cry, and push the bottle away in the middle of his feeding. We tried burping him and warming up the bottle again, and he is just not taking it. It's frustrating when he had been doing so well before. It used to take any where from 15 to 30 minutes to feed him. Now if we're lucky he'll eat the whole thing in an hour. Most of the time, he refuses to eat the last little bit, so we're left with an ounce or so. Now that I'm back to work, someone else has to deal with feeding him most of the day.

On the other hand, it is so hard to leave him. I've been with him for the past eight weeks, pretty much 24/7, and now we'll be apart for at least 9 hours each weekday. I miss his precious little face and how he smiles and giggles at me when I change him. I worry that people who are taking care of him might not do the best job.

But it will be good to get into a routine. I haven't really had that while I was out. I will be able to run and workout before I pick him up from daycare. I'll be able to go through my day and only have to deal with pumping, instead of worrying about how I will find time to pump because he took up so much of my time.

This morning was rough. I had to make sure I had everything to be away from him all day. I had a checklist a page long of things I had to load up into the car and take with me, some to leave with Sherry and some to take to work with me. I ended up leaving 45 minutes later than I had hoped to leave. So tomorrow I'll have to get up 45 minutes earlier - getting only 4 hrs of sleep instead of 5. I guess at that point, one hour probably doesn't make much difference.


Daddy taking Alan for his first day at school


Alan in his classroom on his first day


Mommy with Alan's teacher, Tamara


Alan's cubbie. He has three classmates

I've been having some personal issues lately. Postpartum depression? I don't know. So many things are happening at the same time. I have to go back to work and leave Alan. He isn't eating well. He isn't sleeping as long as I'd like at night. I can't fit into hardly any of my clothes, so it's a struggle to find something to wear to work. Because of that I feel like a fat slob.


Rob knew I was having a hard time the first day back, so he brought me flowers at work

I basically just have unrealistically high expectations of both him and me. I wanted things to be close to normal when I went back to work. I guess I'd have to stay out another year or so for that to actually happen. And what is "normal" anymore anyway?

Postpartum Recovery

I haven't posted in awhile, so if you're still following, you may be wondering how I'm doing postpartum. I can definitely see why so many people get postpartum depression. There is so much that changes, in your body and in your life. I'm not depressed, thank God, but I definitely didn't expect the changes that have occur ed in the past four weeks.

Body image has always been a difficult thing for me. It wasn't until shortly before I got pregnant that I was actually happy about my body, the way I looked and the weight I was at. Now, everything has changed. My hips are too wide to allow me to zip my prepregnancy jeans. My stomach is pooched out and my ab muscles are shot. I have stretch marks and a scar from my belly ring on my stomach, so wearing a bikini again seems impossible. Rob says that it doesn't matter what I look like, he will still love me. But that really doesn't help. Actually, it has the opposite affect. By telling me that, it just solidifies in my mind that I do look like crap. Otherwise, he wouldn't have to say that, right?

No one ever tells you about all the changes that occur right after having a baby. No one tells you that you are going to have to wear fish-net granny panties with a pad the size of Texas and an ice pack the size of a large pad for at least a week. No one tells you that you are going to be passing blood clots the size of large strawberries every time you use the bathroom. No one tells you that you will be bleeding way more than any "heavy period" I've ever had for weeks. No one tells you it's going to feel like you are pushing another baby out of you every time you have a bowel movement. No one tells you about how sore you will be down there. Why is that? Do they not realize that when you get pregnant it's pretty much too late to back out and that you should be prepared for all of this postpartum stuff? Do they think it's common sense and that everyone just knows it already? I would have liked to be warned.

Yes, people told me that I wouldn't be able to run like I used to for at least six weeks, but they never told me why.

It's been four weeks now. I stopped the heavy bleeding around week two, so I've been walking the neighborhood for two weeks now, which is about two miles. I've done my pelvic rocks and Kegals. I've also done some ab exercises. I ran my first mile since the birth on Monday, and didn't have any adverse affects. I will be running my first race tomorrow, the Kaiser Permanente Corporate Challenge 5k - about the same distance I ran the day before Alan was born.

Not only does your body change, but your life changes too. Breastfeeding has been a huge challenge - one that I have about given up. I am out of work now, but the days fly by faster than I could ever imagine. By the time I do one thing, it's time to feed Alan again. Trying to fit pumping in isn't easy either, because I have to time it just right so he's still sleeping, but before he wakes up and is hungry again. I have no idea how I will get anything done when I go back to work, and am really not looking forward to it.

UPDATE to include Alan's first month stats:
At Alan's one month appointment, he weighted 9lbs 6oz and was 22" long. He was tracking pretty much in the 50th percentile for weight, height, and head circumference. He's smiling now and more alert during his awake time.

Here are some pictures of Alan at one month old:



Here are some links to videos of Alan interacting at one month:
Alan Smiling
Alan Playing