I have finally admitted to myself that I do have a little bit of postpartum depression. It stems mostly from the fact that my life as I knew it is over. I will never again have freedom and youth at the same time, and I will never have the body that I worked so hard and ran five marathons to finally have. Sure, eventually Alan won't depend on me for everything, but by then I will be too old to enjoy life the way I had before. Sure, I might be able to get back into shape, but I look in the mirror and it seems that every day I see a new wrinkle or darker circles under my eyes. Age is really taking it's toll on me now. And who knows if I'll ever get my waist back! I feel like I am a stick figure...but drawn with a really fat marker. I have no curves (except for the one sticking out in front where my six-pack used to be)...or maybe my whole body is one giant curve.
I have no time for myself anymore. I wake up, take three hours to get ready for work, go to work, manage to fit in a short run before picking Alan up from daycare, and take three hours to get ready for bed. How people have families and still manage to watch hours of TV is beyond me! I still haven't watched last week's Biggest Loser (really my only TV show), and we have two Parenthood shows on the DVR that we haven't watched yet. And I am only getting about 4 - 5 hours of sleep at night now - and that is broken sleep (two hours here and three hours there).
Running just doesn't seem as fun anymore. It's more like a chore, because it is way harder than it used to be. I never thought that getting back into running after a six week layoff would be so hard. When I run, I feel like I don't really know what I'm doing, like I don't have a good gait or cadence, like I'm about to fall over. I have felt like I couldn't finish a run multiple times. I've stopped to walk more than I ever did before. What is wrong with me?!?
And then there's the constant desire for sugar. If I'm not eating, I want to be. My mouth waters, and all I can think of is ice cream. If ice cream isn't around, I'll eat a giant chocolate chip cookie, or a package of Skittles, or a candy bar. I tried bringing healthy snacks to work, but then I would eat the healthy snack AND the junk. I have no self control. What is wrong with me?!?
So now that I've finally admitted it, I have to do something about it. For me, the best way to accomplish something is to 1) set a goal and 2) get into a routine. My goals are as follows:
*Run the Myrtle Beach marathon in close to 4 hours. I'm hoping that with that will come the losing weight and getting my body back into somewhat decent shape again.
*Fix my diet by exchanging the junk for vegetables. I will add back the salads and baked potatoes I used to eat while pregnant. I will only eat one small sweet thing per day. If I maintain that for the week, I can eat ice cream on Friday. Every time I have a craving I will either chew gum or eat a fruit or vegetable.
My routine has become:
4:00am Wake up to pump
4:30 Shower, eat breakfast, and get ready for work
5:45 Feed Alan and get him ready for school
6:20 Leave for work
6:40 Drop Alan off at daycare
7:00 - 3:00 Work, eating lunch at my desk and pumping four times
3:00 Run or workout
5:00 Pick Alan up from daycare and go home
6:00 - 8:00 Pump, make dinner, feed Alan and get him ready for bed, wash and make bottles, get workout clothes ready for the next day (All of this is easy if Rob is home to help; Much more difficult if I have to watch Alan while doing the above things by myself)
8:00 Get ready for bed
9:00 Attempt to get an hour of sleep
10:00 Feed Alan and pump
1:00am Pump
4:00am Start all over again
What a boring life I lead! No wonder people live for the weekends.
Darling, I am so sorry!! Let me give you a little piece of advice from one mom to another--don't stress out so much about your weight, exercise, etc!!!!!!! It is NOT, NOT, NOT important, and I mean that!!! :) You are going to kill yourself by trying to get everything done for Alan, work, Rob, and yourself if you constantly worry about your weight and running. Take a break!! You are nursing--you're supposed to eat more than when you were pregnant!!!! Let yourself relax. Might I suggest, take the time that you're running in the afternoon to get some of the other stuff done so that you're not killing yourself by the evening. It is ok to do that. By the time that Alan doesn't need you so much, it will be way more fun to run!! You'll enjoy it again. But if you pressure yourself like this, you're going to wear yourself out! Not to mention that stress is going to age you way faster than anything! :) I love you, and don't want you to feel like this! Not one person is going to think about your lack of running or lack of waist as anything but what it is--you just had a baby!!! And if they think anything else, then they are way to superficial to matter. Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Call me if you ever need to vent! :)
ReplyDeleteI mean "way too" :)
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